• “Scientifically proven” - We found an out-of-work alcoholic scientist to conduct a study in his basement, in exchange for one of those huge plastic bottles of McCormick Vodka.
• “Hand-crafted” – Made in China.
• “Award-winning” – The owner’s brother-in-law created an inaugural “Most Awesome Product” award and we won!
• “Money-back guarantee” – We are counting on your laziness not to request a refund. And if you do, we plan to “misplace” your first request.
• “Limited time offer” – Check back in six months and we’ll still be trying to unload this crap.
• “Channels energy” – We are trusting that you have no scientific knowledge whatsoever and that you believe 100% of what you hear, even if we mention leprechauns.
• “Guaranteed to work” – We heard from a friend that it worked for some guy in New Jersey.
• “The only product of its kind in the market” – Even our competitors will not push something this sleazy.
• “Certificate of authenticity” – You are a moron and we know that this will convince you of our product’s legitimacy.
• “Limited edition” – See certificate of authenticity.
• “Heirloom” – You will have to dust this turd for years before selling it at a yard sale for a dollar.
• “Hard-earned money” – We are all buddies and in this thing together. Now please buy our crap.
• “Commemorative” – We want you to grossly overpay for a bad investment and we’re going to nick you on the shipping too.

Feel free to add your own addition in the comment section.

1. There are people who believe that every single malady that befalls society – terrorist attack, new virus, plane crash – is a well-conceived and brilliantly executed conspiracy by the U.S. government and/or the evil New World Order. Or aliens.
2. There are people who believe that by diluting a substance by water to the point that no original molecules exist, the water will “remember” the molecules and thus treat certain diseases and ailments. Yes, these people walk among us and are everywhere.
3. There are people who are perfectly willing to defraud others of their life savings in order to live in a large house, wear expensive shoes, and vacation in the tropics.
4. There are people who believe it their moral obligation to prevent others from living their lives as they choose. So they object and discriminate – sometimes violently – against what others’ religious beliefs are, which consenting adults others choose to have sex with, what kind of sex they choose to have, and how patriotic others are.
5. There are people who think it perfectly fine to have a brood of children, despite having no financial means to support them.

“What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how ex-
press and admirable! in action how like an angel! in
apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of animals! and yet, to me, what
is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me;
no, nor woman neither”
-Hamlet

There, optimism cured.

Here is the jewel that I found in today’s newspaper:

You would have to be pretty devoid of brain cells to think any part of this ad was real. URGENT HEALTH ALERT. Fake good-looking twenty-something scientists in white lab coats holding up test tubes and looking through microscopes, while the scam artist’s Cylapril product is (badly) Photoshopped into the photo. Ugh.

“Researchers discover main ingredient in new diet pill produces legitimate weight loss.” How much you wanna bet that the main ingredient is caffeine?

“Shipments being rushed … to meet huge demand” What morons are falling for this baloney?

I know it’s a free country, and I know that people should be free to waste their money however they choose, and I know that a fool and his/her money were lucky to get together in the first place, but I just can’t shake the desire to round up these scammer charlatans, force-feed them some useless diet pills, and then roast them alive on an overpriced Amish space heater.

But anyone who believes that the Koran is a holy, sacred text cannot make such an assertion, at least while clinging to any tendrils of logic or honesty. Here are a few passages to consider: (source)

• Those who resist Allah and his messenger will be humbled to dust. (Koran 58:5)
• Slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush. (Koran 9:5)
• I will instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers, Smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger tips of them. (Koran 8:12)
• The unbelievers among the People of the Book and the pagans shall burn for ever in the fire of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures. Koran (98:1-8)
• The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His apostle and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement (Koran 5:33)
• A Muslim may not be killed if he kills a non-Muslim (Al Bukhari Vol 9:50)
• Fight against those who believe not in Allah, and those who acknowledge not the religion of truth [Islam], until they are subdued. (Surat At-Taubah 9:29)
• Whoever changes his Islamic religion, kill him. (Sahih Al-Bukhari 9:57)

Seems pretty clear to me. Muslims must not tolerate infidels. Rather, these non-believers should be sought out and murdered. Any Muslim who shirks his or her duty is not being true to the holy book and its directives.

Being a to-the-letter-of-the-book Muslim would be a full time job, indeed, much like working 16-hour shifts in a butcher shop.

So, to be clear, those people who say that Islam is peaceful (and believe it) are really saying that they are peaceful. They are cherry-picking out the parts of their religion that they find distasteful. Just like adherents of all the other major religions.

Really? REALLY?

If this were truly the case, I doubt that we could survive even ten minutes in this world. For example, take getting up in the morning. I have just woken and I am considering sitting up in bed. One theory is that I will able to do so without harm, as I have the past 10,000+ mornings. But another theory is that a local maniac has installed a nasty set of blades that will lop off my head once I raise it from the pillow. Since I “cannot be 100% sure that this is false,” I must conclude that it is a valid theory and therefore has equal likelihood. So at this point I have a 50% morning survival rate.

With a lump in my throat and a feeling of foreboding, I take my life into my hands and sit up. Nothing happens. Whew. But now I must place my feet on the carpet. A theory just popped into my head that, due to an overnight electrical short, the carpet may now be running high voltage through it that will kill me instantly upon contact. (Never you mind that carpet fibers are not electrically conductive. That is science and we all know that science does not have all the answers and is sometimes wrong.)

So now I face another 50/50 chance of survival. Brazenly and without regard to the peril, I get out of bed and stand on the carpet. No electrocution occurs. But now I must walk out of the room toward the bathroom and it occurs to me that all the dust mites in the apartment may have organized overnight and gnawed a trapdoor in my floor, designed for me to fall through to my death below.

Once more, I shoulder the risk and head toward the loo. Nothing happens. Wow, I have now managed to defy the 8-to-1 odds against my survival, so I must be living right. But these odds will certainly kill me soon, so the only proper way to fight back mathematically is to devise thousands and thousands of theories which do not involve bodily injury, thereby diluting the immediate risk and keeping me alive long enough to brew some coffee.

Isn’t this mental folly so obvious? Those people who believe that both scientific/rational explanations and supernatural/unfounded explanations are equally likely are not employing the intellect contained within their frontal lobes. They are willing to discard thousands of years of accumulated knowledge in a misguided and laughable attempt to “remain open-minded.”

Why do I care? Because, sadly, some of these folks are actually in charge of stuff.

The reason, I presume, that no one wishes to bring up this untouchable subject is that to do so would be to take on the Catholic Church and, in many regards, human nature itself.

We need to accept the obvious fact: there are more humans on earth than can be adequately sustained if we wish to maintain the balance of our ecosystem.

Other than forcing the world’s inhabitants to relinquish their rights to reproduce and assigning these rights to a governing body (ugh), I don’t have a viable solution. But stop trying to sell me on the idea that I should buy local produce, install solar panels, and “reduce my carbon footprint.” People who believe that these microscopic steps will un-doom our planet are just bad at math.

Does it really matter if we delay the annihilation of our planet by a year or two?

Here’s something to contemplate for the “go green” crowd with minivans full of offspring: choosing to have an extra child will do more damage to the environment than you would prevent in a thousand years of filling your recycling bins and biking to work on Fridays.

Here’s a rough-cut summary: tens of thousands of workers, predominantly in third-world nations, sacrifice their health digging up hillsides and stream beds in order to find a few shiny objects. The shiny objects are then shipped across the globe so that other people can place them on their bodies and feel more important than they are.

Many of the diggers are forced to work against their will, and some of them die in the process. Genuine twenty-first century slavery.

Meanwhile, first-world consumers are marketing-conditioned to spend an obscene amount of money to purchase a useless, inert bauble. And they feel happy doing it!

But here’s the pièce de résistance: more than thirty years ago, a process to synthetically manufacture a diamond substitute was developed. Cubic zirconia, at a fraction of the cost and without the human suffering, is indistinguishable from the real thing to anyone not carrying a jeweler’s loupe with them.

Yet vanity knows no bounds. Consumers want only “the real thing.”

If the human race is ever placed on trial in some cosmic court, I am testifying on behalf of the prosecution.

At the same time we hear about dire water shortages, poorly maintained sprinkler systems shoot millions of gallons of water straight onto every paved area in sight.  With no visible enforcement of water conservation laws, what is the motivation for residents to comply?

Maybe people will start to take these warnings seriously when we stop using the Colorado River to irrigate the roadways.

Some of them get lucky, have no complications, and are happy with the results.  Then there are all the others.  Infections, scarring, sometimes even worse.

Have you ever seen incision scars that encircle the aereola?  I’ve got news for you, ladies.  Those look gross.  You’ve nailed the low-self-esteem-induced trifecta of stupidity: fake, hideous, and permanent.