• “Scientifically proven” - We found an out-of-work alcoholic scientist to conduct a study in his basement, in exchange for one of those huge plastic bottles of McCormick Vodka.
• “Hand-crafted” – Made in China.
• “Award-winning” – The owner’s brother-in-law created an inaugural “Most Awesome Product” award and we won!
• “Money-back guarantee” – We are counting on your laziness not to request a refund. And if you do, we plan to “misplace” your first request.
• “Limited time offer” – Check back in six months and we’ll still be trying to unload this crap.
• “Channels energy” – We are trusting that you have no scientific knowledge whatsoever and that you believe 100% of what you hear, even if we mention leprechauns.
• “Guaranteed to work” – We heard from a friend that it worked for some guy in New Jersey.
• “The only product of its kind in the market” – Even our competitors will not push something this sleazy.
• “Certificate of authenticity” – You are a moron and we know that this will convince you of our product’s legitimacy.
• “Limited edition” – See certificate of authenticity.
• “Heirloom” – You will have to dust this turd for years before selling it at a yard sale for a dollar.
• “Hard-earned money” – We are all buddies and in this thing together. Now please buy our crap.
• “Commemorative” – We want you to grossly overpay for a bad investment and we’re going to nick you on the shipping too.

Feel free to add your own addition in the comment section.

1. There are people who believe that every single malady that befalls society – terrorist attack, new virus, plane crash – is a well-conceived and brilliantly executed conspiracy by the U.S. government and/or the evil New World Order. Or aliens.
2. There are people who believe that by diluting a substance by water to the point that no original molecules exist, the water will “remember” the molecules and thus treat certain diseases and ailments. Yes, these people walk among us and are everywhere.
3. There are people who are perfectly willing to defraud others of their life savings in order to live in a large house, wear expensive shoes, and vacation in the tropics.
4. There are people who believe it their moral obligation to prevent others from living their lives as they choose. So they object and discriminate – sometimes violently – against what others’ religious beliefs are, which consenting adults others choose to have sex with, what kind of sex they choose to have, and how patriotic others are.
5. There are people who think it perfectly fine to have a brood of children, despite having no financial means to support them.

“What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how ex-
press and admirable! in action how like an angel! in
apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of animals! and yet, to me, what
is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me;
no, nor woman neither”
-Hamlet

There, optimism cured.

But what the hell happened recently? Now he is hosting a new TV show called Conspiracy Theory in which he all but states that he believes the government – i.e. the Bush administration – planned the 9/11 horror by a controlled demolition of the Twin Towers and a missile (not an airplane) into the Pentagon, solely to justify their later actions of invading Iraq and Afghanistan and passing the freedom-crushing Patriot Act.

Huh? Does he – or anyone of sane mind – think that George W. Bush, who could barely manage to speak at a high-school level, could mastermind a huge conspiracy against his own nation and actually pull it off? This defies both probability and logic. As the old saying goes, “Two people can keep a secret as long as one of them is dead.” In a day and age where the smallest transgression or misstep is eagerly discovered and reported by the press, Jesse Ventura will have you believe that hundreds of U.S. military and civilian employees conspired to murder their own citizens and then stayed absolutely quiet about it. Ya, right. That’s as preposterous as it gets. Not to mention that President Bush and his putative co-conspirators risked, if they were caught, being labeled as some of the most villainous monsters in human history, spoken in the same breath as Hitler or Stalin.

Which leaves me to wonder: does Jesse really believe this nonsense? Or is he just paying the rent by feeding baloney to the reason-impaired American public?

Either way, I no longer respect the man.

Here is the jewel that I found in today’s newspaper:

You would have to be pretty devoid of brain cells to think any part of this ad was real. URGENT HEALTH ALERT. Fake good-looking twenty-something scientists in white lab coats holding up test tubes and looking through microscopes, while the scam artist’s Cylapril product is (badly) Photoshopped into the photo. Ugh.

“Researchers discover main ingredient in new diet pill produces legitimate weight loss.” How much you wanna bet that the main ingredient is caffeine?

“Shipments being rushed … to meet huge demand” What morons are falling for this baloney?

I know it’s a free country, and I know that people should be free to waste their money however they choose, and I know that a fool and his/her money were lucky to get together in the first place, but I just can’t shake the desire to round up these scammer charlatans, force-feed them some useless diet pills, and then roast them alive on an overpriced Amish space heater.

But anyone who believes that the Koran is a holy, sacred text cannot make such an assertion, at least while clinging to any tendrils of logic or honesty. Here are a few passages to consider: (source)

• Those who resist Allah and his messenger will be humbled to dust. (Koran 58:5)
• Slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush. (Koran 9:5)
• I will instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers, Smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger tips of them. (Koran 8:12)
• The unbelievers among the People of the Book and the pagans shall burn for ever in the fire of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures. Koran (98:1-8)
• The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His apostle and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement (Koran 5:33)
• A Muslim may not be killed if he kills a non-Muslim (Al Bukhari Vol 9:50)
• Fight against those who believe not in Allah, and those who acknowledge not the religion of truth [Islam], until they are subdued. (Surat At-Taubah 9:29)
• Whoever changes his Islamic religion, kill him. (Sahih Al-Bukhari 9:57)

Seems pretty clear to me. Muslims must not tolerate infidels. Rather, these non-believers should be sought out and murdered. Any Muslim who shirks his or her duty is not being true to the holy book and its directives.

Being a to-the-letter-of-the-book Muslim would be a full time job, indeed, much like working 16-hour shifts in a butcher shop.

So, to be clear, those people who say that Islam is peaceful (and believe it) are really saying that they are peaceful. They are cherry-picking out the parts of their religion that they find distasteful. Just like adherents of all the other major religions.

Really? REALLY?

If this were truly the case, I doubt that we could survive even ten minutes in this world. For example, take getting up in the morning. I have just woken and I am considering sitting up in bed. One theory is that I will able to do so without harm, as I have the past 10,000+ mornings. But another theory is that a local maniac has installed a nasty set of blades that will lop off my head once I raise it from the pillow. Since I “cannot be 100% sure that this is false,” I must conclude that it is a valid theory and therefore has equal likelihood. So at this point I have a 50% morning survival rate.

With a lump in my throat and a feeling of foreboding, I take my life into my hands and sit up. Nothing happens. Whew. But now I must place my feet on the carpet. A theory just popped into my head that, due to an overnight electrical short, the carpet may now be running high voltage through it that will kill me instantly upon contact. (Never you mind that carpet fibers are not electrically conductive. That is science and we all know that science does not have all the answers and is sometimes wrong.)

So now I face another 50/50 chance of survival. Brazenly and without regard to the peril, I get out of bed and stand on the carpet. No electrocution occurs. But now I must walk out of the room toward the bathroom and it occurs to me that all the dust mites in the apartment may have organized overnight and gnawed a trapdoor in my floor, designed for me to fall through to my death below.

Once more, I shoulder the risk and head toward the loo. Nothing happens. Wow, I have now managed to defy the 8-to-1 odds against my survival, so I must be living right. But these odds will certainly kill me soon, so the only proper way to fight back mathematically is to devise thousands and thousands of theories which do not involve bodily injury, thereby diluting the immediate risk and keeping me alive long enough to brew some coffee.

Isn’t this mental folly so obvious? Those people who believe that both scientific/rational explanations and supernatural/unfounded explanations are equally likely are not employing the intellect contained within their frontal lobes. They are willing to discard thousands of years of accumulated knowledge in a misguided and laughable attempt to “remain open-minded.”

Why do I care? Because, sadly, some of these folks are actually in charge of stuff.

On a good day, when I’m feeling optimistic about future society – which isn’t very often, if you follow this blog – I can foresee the rapid shedding of religious beliefs in America perhaps two or three generations from now.

As it becomes less and less stigmatizing to proclaim one’s nonbelief, closet atheists will begin to “come out” in growing numbers. At some inflection point, it will become mainstream or, at least, no longer socially acceptable to vilify someone over their atheist or agnostic beliefs. Eventually, it will no longer be political suicide to be openly unreligious.

Influenced by advances in science and technology, more and more parents will become less rigid about brainwashing their offspring with outdated, dogmatic silliness. That next generation will have the chance to become the first nonreligious majority in American society. After that, religion will peel away like an onion and only the fundamentalists and die-hards will remain, relegated to the margins of society like cults or the Amish are today.

It was much the same process with slavery and its acceptance. And we are now on the tail-end of the process with homosexuality.

After all, the power of religious groups lies not in their ideas but in their numbers. And as those numbers decline, so too shall their power. Glory be the day.

It’s not my style to get in the face of religious people and tell them they are worshiping a man-made fantasy. Not only would that be rude and uncomfortable, but also I have come to terms with the fact that it’s not my job to fix the world.

As the owner of a small business, I sign contracts with new customers on a regular basis. Prior to the actual signing, there is often a getting-to-know-one-another discussion, and occasionally during these sessions, the prospective client brings up his or her religion. Often, it comes in the form of asking which church I attend or in the form of an invitation to his or her own church, because, “Reverend <Who-Gives-A-Crap> is the absolute best. You’ll love him.”

How should I handle these situations? I could proudly beat the atheist drum and let them know that I have no use for sky pixies, but, uh, that might be bad for business. I try to take a milder approach, letting them draw an erroneous conclusion but without my actually lying. For example: “Thank you for the invitation, but religion is deeply important to me, and I’m very happy where I am right now.” I then deftly change the subject back to business.

How do my fellow atheists deal with these predicaments? What do you do or say to otherwise pleasant people who foist their religious beliefs on you?

What the hell is it with guys who like to “hunt” for game? I can’t not put the word in quotes because it hardly qualifies as hunting in any meaningful sense. Several buddies getting together, drinking beer, hiding in the grass – or a tree stand – or a duck blind – and waiting until some unsuspecting creature “on the list” wanders along so they can send metal projectiles through it? Yeah, not hunting and certainly not “sporting.”

This is hardly a man vs. creature battle of wits and brawn. These buffoons drive out to their killing fields via truck and fossil fuel, they don their Cabela’s hunting outfits, and they point $500 rifles at passing animals. Clearly, it’s not because they need the food, as evidenced by the size of their bellies. Hell, one can buy a lot of groceries for five hundred bucks.

And don’t give me that crap about the need for “population control” of this or that species. That’s baloney and any thinking person knows it. If humans need to control an animal population, there are scientific and humane methods to go about it without the need to send out a mass of armed drunken morons to do the job.

So what’s it all about? Why do grown men find it rewarding to inflict pain, misery, and death upon elegant wild creatures? Inadequacy, self-doubt, and insecurity are no doubt at work here. My job sucks. My life is not going the way I envisioned it. I’m not good at anything. I have a tiny dick.

The more noble part of me wants to feel sympathy and pity toward these hapless idiots, but mostly I can only manage contempt.